Very High Maintanence. Oh and do follow me on Twitter @affeyraxtn (:
Saturday, 10 November 2012, 03:00Its 3 in the morning, i miss my boyfriend. I had a bad day. I wanted to tell sayang everything about it, but i didnt want to stress him out. Well i'm gonna let it all out here.
Do you know the feeling when you did everything for someone but they never showed that they appreciatte it . I'm the first child in my family. I have a big responsible. I have to raise both of my brother and sister. Coz mom is sick, she cant take too much pressure. Dad is busy working so i have to do everything. This year i'm sitting for my PMR, and my sister UPSR. When i was 12, mama was there to teach, and guide me. I feel sorry for my sister coz now mummy isnt there for her. My sister, Tasha selalu cakap yang dia boleh do everything by herself. But deep inside she knows she needs her mummy. I can teach her, i can guide her, but i need to study too. She got me, but me? Our parents werent always home. I'll cook i'll do the chores i'll do everything. I asked daddy to get a maid, but he scolded me and told me that he didnt want to spoil me. He asked to take this as a test. I know daddy, please gimme a break :/ I need my time and space. You;re putting high expatations on me. I'm only 15. I dont remember the last time they say "I love you" Or Hug me. They treat me as if i was born to this world to be their slave! I didnt go to school. i didnt sleep well. I was so lost and i have no one except Giery and Iesha, but now day by day, even giery is like avoiding me.
Bila saya perlukan awak, awak tak ada. Awak busy. Saya faham awak kena study semua, tapi bila awak ada masa free awak ada ingat saya tak? Dulu sehari kita text berapa kali. Sehari tk text giery mesti meroyan mcm orang gila. Bila giery tak ada pun mesti aku cari dia. But now dia tak cari, saya pun tak cari. Sama sama ego tinggi, sama sama mengada sama sama gedik. I know i shouldve mengalah but.... hm. I'm stupid my self. I felt as if giery is forgetting me, and that made me even more stressed out, more pain. I didnt know what to think. I was so lost. I didnt know who am i anymore. I missed giery so much, i missed everything.
Then one day i saw a picture of him and a girl. He told that girl likes him. She would do anything for him. She's his classmate. I was so insecure. I didnt felt right. Then the very next day, i found that picture. I cried! I burst into tears. I was so afraid of losing him. Without thinking I asked for a breakup. Before that we were fighting. We didnt text or call for a week. It felt like years to me. Then suddenly we were on track and for me that night was ze most beautiful night i've ever had with him. We laughed, we talked like old times. He made me smile all day. Then the next day the picture, breakup stuff happened. I was frustrated. I felt like i was cheated, blind of love. He persuade me like hell. He tried so hard. And i fell for him again. Honestly, forgetting him was the hardest part. I cried, he talked to me, he called. Then i felt stupid, i felt as if i'm controlling him. I forgived him but my trust for him was fading.
Then all of sudden again another week we didnt contact this time its not a fight or anything, we just didnt contact. I felt so lonely, so depressed. He wasnt there. School ended then why isnt he making any effort to talk to me. He said he loves me? He said he miss me, then why? All of this things i asked to myself. From that very moment i thought to myself maybe what people told me, what i saw was right afterall? Maybe he just feels sorry for me? Again i cried every night. I kept on waiting and waiting, then he called but we fought. I couldnt stand it anymore, so this time i asked for a break again. I never asked for a break from any guy before. I asked to see if he'll still come after me , coz he once said to me "Me:Sayang, if I tinggalkan you, apa you buat?" Him: I kejar. I cari you balik" But no, he didnt. He just said its okay and he'll let me go. Then it s true, He doesnt loves me. Afterall why would he love a girl like me? He wasnt happy with me. I know. I felt it. And now here i am, all alone again.
I did said that i will not put high expatations on my relationship but i do love what we had. It was beautiful, it was everything to me. This relationship is the only place where i can feel love. I cant feel or get love from my parents, But giery did. Giery gave me everything, love , care , attention. Everything. I felt PERFECT when i'm with him. I can be crazy, i can be immature i can be anything i want when i'm with him. But somehow everything changed. And to get him back, the old him is defenitely hard. So better go. If i and him were meant to be, i'm sure one day we'll be together again. But one thing for sure, to find a guy like him is HARD! Trust me, theres no one like him. The way he treats his girlfriend is just so perfect.
P.S I Love you.
Thursday, 13 September 2012, 10:05
Assalamualaikum and hello readers :-) Wondering what am i gonna write this time ? Read k read. Its about Muhammad Shaziery Iskandar bin Mohd Shah. Who is he ? Continue reading and you'll know. He's 16. Born in 1996 May 26. Mine is 24. Isnt that sweet ? Haha Last 26 August he proposed and i accepted. I fell in love with his eyes and his kening :D on the 30th we met for ze first time. I was so grateful that i get to meet him. its very hard for me to get out of my house and hang around like other teenagers do. I felt so lucky when i first met him. He was so Charming. He's tall. I am tall too okay :p He's handsome but very very very annoying. Yet i still love him. We met in the morning and guess what that same day, that night we met again. And thats when i get to know the real him. He's a very very very Timid person. He gets shy in everything. Lol but he loves to pinch me which for me i think its kinda cute. And the wierd part is when my brother pinch me i'll go mad. But when giery pinch me, i'll b like Awwwww, haha. Now i feel bad :( Hahaha. Sayang i miss standing so close to you, i miss hugging you. I miss playing with the Buttons on your Tee. I miss fighting with you. I miss making fun of you. I miss everything. Every single thing about you. The main reason why i love is , you accept my Dark Side. Well i think so. Thank you for staying up late with me all night. Thank you for always supporting me. Thank you for being so honest to me. Thank you for everything. You're the sweetest boyfriend i ever had. I'm not putting high expatations on our relationship. I'll just go with the flow. I love you sincerely. I trust you with every part of me. I love you Baby
I told my mum about him. And honestly this is my first time telling my mom about my boyfriend. After showing giery's picture to her, she was like OMG are you sure this is really your boyfriend ? I asked why ? and she said he is so handsome and blablabla and she asked everything about him. I felt relieved finally i get to talk to my mom as a friend. Damn i love my mom so much. So yeah i guess, our relationship dapat restu mama. Hahaha Alhamdulillah everything is going well. I hope we can last long together. Or forever sounds better. Amin :-)
Tuesday, 11 September 2012, 04:49
Forget your past, forgive your self. And start Living.
When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose, what a wonderful opportunity to start all over again, to turn over a new page.Well i guess thats what i'm doing. I'm starting to blog again. I'm actually starting to Study again. Even i dont go to school alot, but heyy i do study at home. Ask my mom xp As you all knew, i was with someone last 3/ 4 months i guess. Someone whom i wish not to mention. I thought he was the one, he cared for me and did everything just to be with me. The phrase "Love is blind" Suits the situation well. I'm blinded for months, i couldnt focus in whatever i did. And i was totally lost, i was ruined, i was suffering, i made the biggest mistake in my life. I abandoned my family, my brother and others. I was absent everyday. I got bad marks for my exams. But i didnt care. I was to busy taking care of my stupid fairytales which i knew had no direction.
Suddenly something happened and it woke me up from that stupid dream of mine. I was awake and lliterally crying every night, I was so dumb that i never realized that everything was a lie. Too many people hated me. I couldnt face anyone. That time i had my mom. My mom motivated me and gave me support, My boyfriend and my friend did too. They advised me, scolded me, and now hopefully i'm wide awake. I guess! I had nobody to share it too. My sister? She's too young. My friends ? They'r far away. The near ones? Too busy with their own life. My mom, she was there. My boyfriend ? well Sometimes.
Dear haters, i'm sorry for what i've done to make you guys hate me. I dont care with the bad names you called me. I dont care what you said to others about me. I dont care what you did to my facebook and my twitter, I dont care what did you posted on my blog about my before posts, i dont care what you did to any of the part of my life. I dont care. Before, i was to caring about you haters, till i forgot whats important. Because of you i tried to improve i tried to be like others, i tried to look better. But no i cant. Coz this is who i am. And i wasnt born to please you guys. I am extremely sorry if what i've been doing had made you hate me. I'm sorry. I know i was a jerk before. I was too childish. Everybody grew up. I'm tired of crying because of you guys ruining my life, mocking me, doing bad things me. One day you'll feel what i feel. And believe me it hurts alot. It brought so much pain into my life. I almost gave up hope on living. I'm sorry.
Thank you to those who supported me all this time.
Thank you for reading.
Much loves, Snow.