Very High Maintanence. Oh and do follow me on Twitter @affeyraxtn (:
Saturday, 10 November 2012, 03:00Its 3 in the morning, i miss my boyfriend. I had a bad day. I wanted to tell sayang everything about it, but i didnt want to stress him out. Well i'm gonna let it all out here.
Do you know the feeling when you did everything for someone but they never showed that they appreciatte it . I'm the first child in my family. I have a big responsible. I have to raise both of my brother and sister. Coz mom is sick, she cant take too much pressure. Dad is busy working so i have to do everything. This year i'm sitting for my PMR, and my sister UPSR. When i was 12, mama was there to teach, and guide me. I feel sorry for my sister coz now mummy isnt there for her. My sister, Tasha selalu cakap yang dia boleh do everything by herself. But deep inside she knows she needs her mummy. I can teach her, i can guide her, but i need to study too. She got me, but me? Our parents werent always home. I'll cook i'll do the chores i'll do everything. I asked daddy to get a maid, but he scolded me and told me that he didnt want to spoil me. He asked to take this as a test. I know daddy, please gimme a break :/ I need my time and space. You;re putting high expatations on me. I'm only 15. I dont remember the last time they say "I love you" Or Hug me. They treat me as if i was born to this world to be their slave! I didnt go to school. i didnt sleep well. I was so lost and i have no one except Giery and Iesha, but now day by day, even giery is like avoiding me.
Bila saya perlukan awak, awak tak ada. Awak busy. Saya faham awak kena study semua, tapi bila awak ada masa free awak ada ingat saya tak? Dulu sehari kita text berapa kali. Sehari tk text giery mesti meroyan mcm orang gila. Bila giery tak ada pun mesti aku cari dia. But now dia tak cari, saya pun tak cari. Sama sama ego tinggi, sama sama mengada sama sama gedik. I know i shouldve mengalah but.... hm. I'm stupid my self. I felt as if giery is forgetting me, and that made me even more stressed out, more pain. I didnt know what to think. I was so lost. I didnt know who am i anymore. I missed giery so much, i missed everything.
Then one day i saw a picture of him and a girl. He told that girl likes him. She would do anything for him. She's his classmate. I was so insecure. I didnt felt right. Then the very next day, i found that picture. I cried! I burst into tears. I was so afraid of losing him. Without thinking I asked for a breakup. Before that we were fighting. We didnt text or call for a week. It felt like years to me. Then suddenly we were on track and for me that night was ze most beautiful night i've ever had with him. We laughed, we talked like old times. He made me smile all day. Then the next day the picture, breakup stuff happened. I was frustrated. I felt like i was cheated, blind of love. He persuade me like hell. He tried so hard. And i fell for him again. Honestly, forgetting him was the hardest part. I cried, he talked to me, he called. Then i felt stupid, i felt as if i'm controlling him. I forgived him but my trust for him was fading.
Then all of sudden again another week we didnt contact this time its not a fight or anything, we just didnt contact. I felt so lonely, so depressed. He wasnt there. School ended then why isnt he making any effort to talk to me. He said he loves me? He said he miss me, then why? All of this things i asked to myself. From that very moment i thought to myself maybe what people told me, what i saw was right afterall? Maybe he just feels sorry for me? Again i cried every night. I kept on waiting and waiting, then he called but we fought. I couldnt stand it anymore, so this time i asked for a break again. I never asked for a break from any guy before. I asked to see if he'll still come after me , coz he once said to me "Me:Sayang, if I tinggalkan you, apa you buat?" Him: I kejar. I cari you balik" But no, he didnt. He just said its okay and he'll let me go. Then it s true, He doesnt loves me. Afterall why would he love a girl like me? He wasnt happy with me. I know. I felt it. And now here i am, all alone again.
I did said that i will not put high expatations on my relationship but i do love what we had. It was beautiful, it was everything to me. This relationship is the only place where i can feel love. I cant feel or get love from my parents, But giery did. Giery gave me everything, love , care , attention. Everything. I felt PERFECT when i'm with him. I can be crazy, i can be immature i can be anything i want when i'm with him. But somehow everything changed. And to get him back, the old him is defenitely hard. So better go. If i and him were meant to be, i'm sure one day we'll be together again. But one thing for sure, to find a guy like him is HARD! Trust me, theres no one like him. The way he treats his girlfriend is just so perfect.
P.S I Love you.